I’m just going to say that I didn’t expect to feel nearly as self-conscious photographing myself as I do. It didn’t occur to me that that would be one of the harder aspects of this undertaking. Getting the first two shots wasn’t so bad, since they were taken in the privacy of my own car (though I suppose that mindset is why people get caught picking their noses at stoplights). For the third one, though, I felt downright silly—and rightly so.

Today’s shot (and tomorrow’s as well) was taken in a public restroom (does anyone want to guess where?), one that locks and is never busy, especially during the time of day when I was there. But no sooner had I pulled out the camera and fired off a couple of stray shots (taking self-portraits in a mirror is considerably harder than it looks) than someone tried the door. After that I was flustered and called this one “good enough” (even if I have all the time in the world, I still find I don’t know what to do with my face, expressionwise). The other location I used today was even worse—it was the kind where someone could have walked in at any time (no one did, but my mind was only half on what I was doing because I was trying to decide if I would try to explain or quick put the camera away before I got “caught”).

And equally surprising to me is the fact that I don’t mind posting the photos. I mean, yes, I suppose I do feel a bit more vulnerable than usual, but I think I might have braced myself for that such that the reality is not as bad as I was thinking it might be. It occurs to me that this is a personal blog, so it’s pretty much about me in some way, shape, or form all the time anyway, so “putting myself out there” is not actually new—different form, same blah blah blah.

But probably the real reason that I’m not feeling as self-conscious about posting photos of myself this week is that the project is turning out to be much less about my appearance—do I look pretty?—than I initially thought. That said, I do find myself worrying more about what people will think of the photos as art—is it interesting?—than I usually do with my “normal” blog fodder. And, of course, that’s just a different kind of vanity.

Without making too many excuses or apologies, I will say that this one gives the general idea of what I was going for but that I would need to make quite a few changes if I were really to get it just right. In the end, this makes me think of a location scouting trip—getting down the outline of ideas with the intention of thinking it through, planning it out, and coming back later to shoot for real (except I’m not going to do any of that).

The method: found a puddle in the parking lot of the Fremont State Lakes, set the camera on the hood of the car, started the timer, ran around to the other side of the puddle, did a silly pose (the non-pose pose in this case), checked to make sure I was even in the frame. Repeated several times until the camera battery died (I didn’t have an extra). The kids had fallen asleep in the car, and my mom was witness to me making a fool of myself trying to get the shot. I probably would have felt too self-conscious to even try had it been anyone else.

*A funny side note here: Jason has a terrible habit of forgetting to change from these prescription sunglasses to his regular glasses (he keeps threatening to get Transitions lenses). Even though our attention had just been focused (haha, no pun intended) on his sunglasses, he still forgot to change them when we went into the house.

So to make the comment that borders on the cliché, I will just say that I would probably be a lot kinder to myself if I actually did see myself through Jason’s eyes more often. He is not critical of me (except occasionally constructively), which I appreciate incredibly whenever I allow myself to believe it. Also, I’ve had “In Your Eyes,” by Peter Gabriel, in my head all afternoon.

A comment that Jen made on yesterday’s post got me thinking again about my purposes in this self-portrait project. Initially I probably thought my main point was to allow myself to become more comfortable in front of the camera. But if that’s the case, then today’s image doesn’t really work—you wouldn’t even know that it is me in the reflection unless I told you (and Simon actually looked at it and said, “Dada!”).

In other words, my purposes as well as my feelings about myself and the photos are all kind of tangled up and actually changing as we go along. However, I do think it would be safe to say that my point, at least in part, is simply to create seven images of myself that are hopefully somewhat interesting and that allow me to stretch creatively.

The other day when I previewed my self-portrait project, I forgot to mention that I would love it if anyone would like to join me and share their own self-portraits too. So who’s with me?

This one was taken with the mirror in the car’s sun visor (passenger side). I spend a lot of time looking in the car mirrors, not at myself, but at my kids in the backseat—always checking who’s with me.

And speaking of who is (or isn’t) with me, I do find that I tend to be more comfortable with photos of myself if there is also someone else in the picture. I say this without making a value judgement. When it comes to these self-portraits that I’m doing, I’m not saying it’s better or even braver to take pictures with just me. And I don’t know yet whether family or friends will end up with me in any of these shots this week. I’m just making an observation that it seems to be easier for me to relax if someone else is sharing the frame. (On a related note, almost without fail I think a group shot is “good” if it is “good” of me, regardless of how everyone else looks. But I think that’s how just about everyone feels.)

I’ve been wanting to do a self-portrait project for a while. I’m thinking that I’ll start with one every day for a week (Charity’s self-portrait week a couple of months ago is probably what got me started thinking about self-portraits in the first place), and after that we’ll see. Maybe I’ll be done, or I’ll maybe I’ll decide to do something like one a week for a year.

I have as many reasons for wanting to do this as I do for wanting to skip it, but I’m not even going to try to articulate them all in one post here at the beginning. Instead, I’ll process as I go along, which is pretty much how I roll anyway.

So my plan is to start Monday “for real,” but here is a freebie to get things started:

I actually uploaded this one to my Flickr account a few months ago. I titled it “Dorky self-portrait.” Yep, it sure is, but that’s beside the point—or maybe it really is the point. I really want to get over my own dislike of being photographed because that dislike is at odds with the fact that I really do enjoy my life right now.

What’s more, I want my kids to have a record of what I look(ed) like now, when they’re too young to remember on their own. I don’t want them to see their mother as someone who always had her hand over her face when someone tried to photograph her, or someone who wanted every picture of her deleted because she thought she looked too fat or too old or whatever other critical thought I have about so many pictures of myself. Someday I want my boys to see, via actual photographic evidence, how much fun I had being their mom when they were little.

Simon wanted to hold Ian, so of course I grabbed my camera.  The impromptu little photoshoot only lasted a couple of minutes (if that) and still I ended up with fifty-seven shots of the boys—and it would have been many, many more if I hadn’t paused to pull Simon’s fingers out of Ian’s mouth and to make sure he wasn’t twisting his little brother’s neck. When I loaded the pictures into iPhoto, I quickly, and relatively painlessly, ditched twenty-four of them—some were obviously too blurry, some were nearly identical to the ones before or after, and in some both of the boys had a dippy expression or their eyes closed. But that still left me with thirty-three, and even though there were several different Simon-handling-Ian configurations and even a prop thrown in there, in the end those thirty-three shots were all pretty similar to one another. I really did like each one for various reasons—a cute expression on Simon’s face in one or on Ian’s in the next, Simon sniffing Ian (and declaring him “stneetnchy” [stinky]) even though years from now I won’t remember that and I’ll think he’s just kissing him, the normalness of a random Wednesday morning in June. I ended up narrowing it down a bit more, but even though I put (just) five on Flickr, I kept eighteen on my computer. I just couldn’t part with one more.

Researching homemade baby food again – it’s almost time! To be honest, I’m kind of dreading the whole solid foods thing. I was so excited with Simon, but it was harder than I thought, and this time I’m perfectly content to wait until Ian is fully and officially six months old (but that’s at the end of this month!).
Not believing that my little blue-eyed, smiling squeezer is almost half a year old already.
Being totally inspired by these lunch ideas (HT: Rebecca). I’m thinking since all four of us will be eating solids soon, it’s a good time to regroup and renew my efforts to feed my family, and especially the kids, healthful foods.
Listening to A Thousand Splendid Suns on CD whenever I’m in the car. Excellent.
Drinking Toddys with vanilla soy milk. At least one a day.
Marveling at Rebecca’s photo, and fully expecting the Pioneer Woman to pick it for her bugs assignment. If she doesn’t, I’ll lose all hope of ever knowing what she (Ree) is looking for.
Loving Charity’s and Andy’s posts about their recent travels (More! More!).
Laughing at my kids. Many times every single day. Before I had kids, I really didn’t think a whole lot beyond I hope they love Jesus and I hope they’re funny. I do hope they love Jesus, and, dang, they are funny.
Looking for recommends for a good series to watch (Hulu, DVD, or Netflix Streaming) during naptime—not that the boys ever sleep at the same time, but I can hope.
Stopping here so I can read for the remainder of Simon’s nap (and, actually, Ian is crashed out too).
Breaking my newly implemented “no blog post without a picture” rule—already.

At the Lincoln Children’s Zoo this morning, I told Simon “no” on something (I can’t remember the exact circumstance). He had to work it through a little, but he actually did avoid an all-out tantrum.

He almost came to terms with it . . . but then, no, it was still too much.

Phew!