Self-Conscious Much? Self-Portrait No. 4

I’m just going to say that I didn’t expect to feel nearly as self-conscious photographing myself as I do. It didn’t occur to me that that would be one of the harder aspects of this undertaking. Getting the first two shots wasn’t so bad, since they were taken in the privacy of my own car (though I suppose that mindset is why people get caught picking their noses at stoplights). For the third one, though, I felt downright silly—and rightly so.

Today’s shot (and tomorrow’s as well) was taken in a public restroom (does anyone want to guess where?), one that locks and is never busy, especially during the time of day when I was there. But no sooner had I pulled out the camera and fired off a couple of stray shots (taking self-portraits in a mirror is considerably harder than it looks) than someone tried the door. After that I was flustered and called this one “good enough” (even if I have all the time in the world, I still find I don’t know what to do with my face, expressionwise). The other location I used today was even worse—it was the kind where someone could have walked in at any time (no one did, but my mind was only half on what I was doing because I was trying to decide if I would try to explain or quick put the camera away before I got “caught”).

And equally surprising to me is the fact that I don’t mind posting the photos. I mean, yes, I suppose I do feel a bit more vulnerable than usual, but I think I might have braced myself for that such that the reality is not as bad as I was thinking it might be. It occurs to me that this is a personal blog, so it’s pretty much about me in some way, shape, or form all the time anyway, so “putting myself out there” is not actually new—different form, same blah blah blah.

But probably the real reason that I’m not feeling as self-conscious about posting photos of myself this week is that the project is turning out to be much less about my appearance—do I look pretty?—than I initially thought. That said, I do find myself worrying more about what people will think of the photos as art—is it interesting?—than I usually do with my “normal” blog fodder. And, of course, that’s just a different kind of vanity.